


A Job in the Meteor

by ipoopthereforeicum



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M, Orgy, Shit consumption, Suicide, Transmisogyny
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-09
Updated: 2020-10-09
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:54:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26913217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ipoopthereforeicum/pseuds/ipoopthereforeicum
Summary: Should I have to clarify the first section is a joke? Maybe I should. Just pointing it out for you just in case, I don't want to start a lost media hunt for something that doesn't exist.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas, Roxy Lalonde/Karkat Vantas
Comments: 2
Kudos: 4





	A Job in the Meteor

**Author's Note:**

> Should I have to clarify the first section is a joke? Maybe I should. Just pointing it out for you just in case, I don't want to start a lost media hunt for something that doesn't exist.

On 8/23/20, Chapter 12 of Homestuck^2 released. On the first few minutes of release, the update was completely different. The pictures were sadly not archived, but the text is here for you to read. This sequence of text began on page 299.

* * *

KARKAT: DAVE WHAT THE FUCK??? SLOW DOWN!  
DAVE: come oooon im so close  
KARKAT: I SWEAR YOURE SO CLOSE TO RIPPING YOUR OWN COCK OFF LIKE JEGUS FUCK!  
DAVE: dude ive been waiting for this for a long time  
DAVE: remember when i talked about where the hell mayo came from?  
DAVE: thing is ive been lying the whole time ive always known  
KARKAT: WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH YOU “BONING ME.”  
DAVE: you’ll see  
KARKAT: DAVE.  
DAVE: karkat

* * *

DAVE: alright down your hatch it goes  
KARKAT: WHAT THE EVERLOVING FUCK?  
KARKAT: DAVE WHY ARE YOU  
DAVE: i dont know  
DAVE: why are you blushing?  
KARKAT:   
DAVE: yeah give me a second  
DAVE: hrrrrrrrnggg  
DAVE: oooooof hnnnnnnnnrgggggg  
KARKAT: THIS IS SO EMBARASSING.  
KARKAT: LET ME GO.  
DAVE: nope cant leave yet  
DAVE: gotta take another round of crunchy turd action  
DAVE: you saw my mayo now you get the peanut butter  
DAVE: were making a fucking delicious sandwich in here  
KARKAT: THAT WOULD MAKE PERFECT SINCE IF YOU HAVEN’T ALREADY “EATEN ME.”  
DAVE: wow holy shit thanks for pointing that out  
DAVE: you know what vore is  
KARKAT: DAVE. NO.  
DAVE: karkat. yes.  
KARKAT: YOU ALREADY DID THAT.  
DAVE: this shits hot af  
DAVE: oh shit here goes the second turd  
DAVE: right on your dick jesus dude

* * *

ROXY: ummmm  
ROXY: what the h is going on here?  
KARKAT: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.  
DAVE: shit mom its not what it looks like  
DAVE: i mean daddy  
DAVE: wait no  
ROXY: no dave i get it  
ROXY: its k  
DAVE: why are you taking your shirt off  
KARKAT: NO. NO. NO. NO. NO.  
KARKAT: WE ARE NOT DOING THIS.  
KARKAT: THERE IS NO WAY IN ***HELL*** WE ARE DOING THIS.  
ROXY: whats wrong karkat kun  
ROXY: dont need another hot guy in the room?  
DAVE: roxy. no. i need to put my foot down on this  
DAVE: im not having my overwhemingly hot dad in this action  
ROXY: u got that right  
DAVE: fuck  
ROXY: u guys know about sollux  
ROXY: and their  
ROXY: “special” properties  
ROXY: ;)  
KARKAT: OH I WONDER. WHAT SPECIAL PROPERTIES COULD MISTER LALONDE BE THINKING ABOUT?  
KARKAT: I COULD NEVER GUESS.  
ROXY: hey no need to get all yelly in my jelly  
ROXY: well i would like that but  
ROXY: maybe i should just show you how he inspired me  
DAVE: holy  
DAVE: shit  
KARKAT: W  
KARKAT: WHY DO YOU HAVE A TRICYCLE OF COCKAGE  
ROXY: hey its not the only thing i had triple of  
KARKAT: WE ALREADY KNEW ABOUT YOUR “TRIPLE TITTY DELUXE.”  
KARKAT: I WOULD NEVER FORGET ABOUT THAT.  
KARKAT: I DON’T THINK ANYONE DID.  
ROXY: wooooow  
ROXY: nice turd karkat  
ROXY: u gonna finish that  
DAVE: ooooh shit  
DAVE: he didnt even wait for a response hes just going for the turd suckage already

* * *

ROXY: mmmm karkat  
ROXY: u know what would make this shitty party a great shitty party  
KARKAT: PLEASE NEVER SMILE LIKE THAT AGAIN.  
DAVE: no come on give us that shit eating grin  
DAVE: hahaha what the fuck that was too perfect i didnt even think about it  
KARKAT: SOME JUST FELL OUT OF YOUR.  
KARKAT: I THINK I'M GOING TO VOMIT.  
DAVE: good  
KARKAT: HOLY SHIT YOU ARE ALL SO FUCKING PERVERTED.  
DAVE: not perverted enough  
DAVE: hey WOOOOAHH  
DAVE: ROXY HOLY  
ROXY: hehe what  
ROXY: dont like my thicc ass penis?  
ROXY: how about  
ROXY: ONE OF THESE  
KARKAT: WHAT ARE YOU DOING??????? YOU'RE KILLING HIM!!!  
ROXY: nah dont worry  
ROXY: just gotta play a scary maze game with my cock  
ROXY: avoid the heart and kidneys and shit and  
DAVE: krgrkgghhhhhhh  
KARKAT: IS THAT YOUR PENIS COMING OUT OF DAVE'S MOUTH.  
ROXY: no its the sexy police  
ROXY: and youre under arrest  
KARKAT: DID THAT MONSTROUS THING JUST HISS AT ME?  
ROXY: come on kk u know u like it ;)  
KARKAT: OK. YOU KNOW WHAT.  
KARKAT: YOU'RE GOD DAMN RIGHT.  
KARKAT: STICK IT IN ME. RIGHT IN MY FARTY LITTLE GOOZYTRACT.  
ROXY: hell yeah thats how i like it  
ROXY: the alpha male takes your request but modifies it a little bit  
ROXY: have some double penis salami  
KARKAT: HOLLLLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK  
ROXY: its quite good innit  
ROXY: be a sexy little bitch for me and squeal like a pig  
KARKAT: OINK OINK OINK  
ROXY: ok maybe not like that  
ROXY: something more along the lines of  
ROXY: "ooooooh hrrrrngggg.... fuck roxy your cock is so huge!"  
DAVE: come on daddy give me some love here  
DAVE: my tight little boy pussy needs some more fucking

* * *

JADE: time stops. the flow of paradox space is destroyed, a whisper is carried throughout the destruction.  
JADE: i enter. i see the sight that breaks all officiality.  
KARKAT: OH COME ON. WHAT A BUZZKILL.  
ROXY: yeah come on the last thing i want to see while im being shit on and having a cock exit out my mouth is a floating husk of a character  
ROXY: like what the fuck man have some decency  
JADE: i do not care about your horny.  
JADE: the prince is growing closer. we are only a few steps away from the confrontation.  
ROXY: omg rly?  
ROXY: holy shit im so hyped  
KARKAT: OW FUCK, ROXY!  
KARKAT: HEY HERE'S AN IDEA FOR YOU. HOW ABOUT YOUR COCK *DOESN'T* GET ANY TIGHTER IN THERE?  
ROXY: sorry i just got too excited!  
ROXY: i just cant wait to bone dirk down :OOOO  
DAVE: what are you talking about  
DAVE: isnt dirk like  
DAVE: gay  
ROXY: lemme ask u a question  
ROXY: im a transmasc right  
ROXY: the most masculine someone can be  
DAVE: right okay  
ROXY: and dirk just LOVES dudes  
DAVE: oh my god  
DAVE: so you're saying that because you're a man  
DAVE: you're gonna go to the bonezone with my bro?  
ROXY: hell yeah!  
DAVE: based  
DAVE: yeah trust me its a pretty crazy experience  
DAVE: i mean dirks not as into puppets as my bro was but i cant imagine it being too different  
ROXY: hahaha  
ROXY: wait  
JADE: the rogue ponders, but only for a moment. thoughts rush in their head, but empty out in a second.  
JADE: the rogue's suspicion is confirmed to be true. the room grows cold, silent.  
KARKAT: SHUT THE FUCK UP HOLY SHIT NO ONE CARES.  
DAVE: thats what he said when i asked about lube  
DAVE: you like it dry and painful dont you  
DAVE: the dirty bastard  
KARKAT: ...  
ROXY: ok ok chill out theres a lot to take in  
DAVE: not even gonna add to that i think it speaks for itself  
ROXY: come on chad make the joke im waiting  
ROXY: i want to have a giggle :)  
ROXY: maybe even a laugh  
JADE: i sigh in unmeasurable disappointment.

* * *

JADE: the ship is mere meters away from our destination.  
JADE: the crew is mere meters away from being driven into madness.  
JADE: their excrement makes the room have a horrible smell, not too different from the former lord's quarters.  
ROXY: hey spooky jade  
ROXY: say thursday  
JADE: thursday.  
ROXY: quite a weird way of saying that innit  
DAVE: quite sad innit  
KARKAT: MPMPHGHHGGL MPHHPHHH  
DAVE: hush down  
DAVE: ur supposed to be a toilet  
KARKAT: MPPPPPPPHHHH PHPMHPPPPLPLPLPPPPPPPPPPP  
ROXY: i think theres something wrong with ur toilet  
ROXY: its getting all red  
DAVE: yeah the hell  
DAVE: toilets arent supposed to be red karkat  
DAVE: theyre whiter than my skin  
JADE: white as your skin, you mean.  
DAVE: dude its just basic hyperbole  
DAVE: we may be the whitest beings in existance  
DAVE: thats the joke there that toilets are whiter than us  
JADE: the muse borrows the knights commonly obscene language, only for a quick skit.  
JADE: i simply do not give a single fuck what you think.  
JADE: we are about to have our final battle, and this is what you are committing to.  
JADE: a literal fartfest.  
KARKAT: MPPPPPPPPPPPHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAUCK HUACK HUACK  
DAVE: there you go buddy you're free now  
KARKAT: CAN ANYONE EXPLAIN TO ME WHY YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WHEN I WAS FUCKING SUFFOCATING?  
KARKAT: HOW ABOUT YOU, ROXY. YOU STOOD THERE AND WITNESSED SOMEONE ALMOST DYING. HOW DOES IT FEEL?  
ROXY: wait karkat you really were choking?  
ROXY: i thought you were just doing that for dramatic effect  
KARKAT: MY FACE WAS DISGUSTINGLY MUTANT RED AND YOU THOUGHT IT WAS...  
KARKAT: DRAMATIC EFFECT???  
KARKAT: I CANNOT DEAL WITH YOU HORNY BOYS ANYMORE! THE LONGER I STAY HERE THE MORE DEGENERATE I BECOME!  
KARKAT: HOW ABOUT INSTEAD OF HAVING THIS LITERALLY SHITTY DINE-IN, WE ACT LIKE THE HEROES EVERYONE THINKS WE ARE AND GO KICK DIRK'S ASS!  
KARKAT: HE'S RIGHT HERE ON THIS PLANET. WE JUST HAVE TO GO AND FIND HIM.  
JADE: the knight of blood is correct. the knight of time and rogue follow his command, and they abscond from the ship they have spent so many years in.  
JADE: the crew is met with neon coloured trees, and a bright sky enough to cause headache.  
DAVE: hey don't forget kanaya  
DAVE: is she sleeping? go get her phat ass out of bed karkat  
KARKAT: HER FAT ASS IS NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY. IN FACT, I THINK IT IS NONE OF OUR RESPONSIBILITIES TO GO AND DO THAT.  
ROXY: nah ill go ahead  
ROXY: brb gonna peek at that maryam booty  
JADE: the lovers wait. they sit silently, eyes meeting each other with romantic bliss.  
JADE: the rogue comes back with the sylph.  
KANAYA: I Am Deeply Sorry I Was Deeply Entraced In My State  
KANAYA: This Is The End Isnt It  
KARKAT: I'VE BEEN LOOKING FORWARD TO ENDING "THE METEOR: PART 2" FOR A LONG TIME NOW.  
KARKAT: THERE'S NOTHING THAT CAN STOP US NOW.  
JUNE: woah, hi there karkat! you aren't supposed to be here yet.  
KARKAT: FAAFDWAKFDAKMWAMA JOHN??????????????  
JUNE: oh my name isn't john anymore, sweetheart!  
JUNE: my name is june :B  
JUNE: i've transitioned into a woman! hahaha isn't that neat guys?  
JUNE: anyways i have a lot of things to say about my transition since i am very sure you are all interested.  
KARKAT:   
JUNE: okay so it turned out in the realm of canonicity (thanks rose for further educating me) there's these things called universal truths.  
JUNE: even though there are multiple timelines and universes where events can happen, universal truths are things that will always be true.  
JUNE: and apparently me being a woman is one of them? yeah who knew  
JUNE: so i transitioned into this cool form. i look very pretty don't you think?  
JUNE: ok and so dirk also found these people online who insisted that this wasn't the case and you know what he did?  
KARKAT: OKAY WE GET IT! YOU'RE A GIRL NOW. WE DON'T NEED TO HEAR ABOUT IT.  
JUNE: ok transmisogynist  
JUNE: haha! just kidding i think that terms really dopey. but we have some transmasc rep which isn't very good. the reception on the homestuck subreddit was pretty negative so i wanted to fix that by explaining my position further.  
JUNE: yes roxy. we're talking about you. don't think you're so innocent, mister!  
ROXY: wth are you talking about  
ROXY: just because i used to be a women some reddit chuds think i should stay that way?  
ROXY: thats bs and its bs youre trying to imply that its right  
KANAYA: I Think It Is An Uncharitable Idea To Discuss Gender Issues In Our Current Quagmire  
KANAYA: Roxy While I Understand You May Find Her Ideas Repulsive I Do Think She Has Somewhat Of A Point  
ROXY: WHAT  
KANAYA: I Didnt Mean It That Way And I Dont Think It Matters  
KANAYA: We Came Here To Stop Your Nefarious Plans From Happening  
DIRK: June what are you doing. You're supposed to be killing them, not talking to them!  
KANAYA: You  
DIRK: What are you looking at?  
JUNE: master dirk i think she's pissed you stole her lesbian wife.  
DIRK: Please don't call me Master Dirk. That sounds kinky as shit.  
DIRK: You're right though, June. The intention was to make her pissed. It's a great way to drive the plot forward.  
DIRK: A not great way to drive the plot forward is to use your friend like a toilet.  
DAVE: oh dear god no  
DIRK: Yes, my child. I saw it all.  
DIRK: It was very disturbing.  
DIRK: And since I know you are wondering, yes I did participate in my own fucked up way.  
KANAYA: What Are You Talking About You Monster  
KANAYA: You Took My Wife  
DAVE: kanaya i know you're angry but i gotta explain some things before dirk continues any further  
DAVE: before we landed on this planet the rest of us had some  
DAVE: experiments we wanted to do  
KARKAT: HE SHIT IN MY MOUTH, KANAYA.  
KARKAT: AND MY BULGE.  
KARKAT: I THINK I GOT SOME FECAL MATTER IN MY EYES TOO.  
DIRK: Roxy, let me real with you too, since you also were there.  
DIRK: I will never be sexually interested in you. Because I have seen the timelines. There is no timeline where you truly are a man.  
DIRK: You may say you are, but this is a lie. You only say that because you want to get into my pants. I don't blame you, dude. My cock is huge.  
ROXY: hey come on thats not true  
DIRK: Let me do the calculations real quick.  
DIRK: It has a 100% chance of it being true. You're a transtrender, Roxy.  
DIRK: I will be answering some questions. Think of this like an /r/AMA.  
DIRK: By the way, you're all grossly underpowered. You spent all your years on a ship doing jack shit, believing you can take me on. Look at how overweight y'all are. It's embarrassing.  
DIRK: I guess you’re all as superhero as Thor in Endgame. How much Fortnite did you play?  
DAVE: we do not play "fortnite"  
DAVE: we play real manly games for real men  
DAVE: like  
DAVE: fall guys  
KANAYA: This Is Obscenely Awful  
KANAYA: I Cant Believe This  
KANAYA: I Just Want To See My Wife  
KANAYA: Where Is She  
ROSEBOT: Hello, my love.  
ROSEBOT: Want to have sexual intercourse?  
KANAYA: Hubba Hubba  
KANAYA: Hell Yes  
KANAYA: I Want Your Robo Titties  
DIRK: Rose what are you doing. Stop that.  
DIRK: Lesbian sex is much more disgusting than I ever imagined.  
DIRK: This is horrible, why is this happening? This shouldn't be happening.  
DIRK: Hold on. I need to contact my sources.  
JADE: the prince holds his palms to his forehead. A stroke of sweat signifies the struggle of the answer.  
DIRK: This is a porn universe where everyone is horny. Great.  
DIRK: Well I have no point in being here anymore. It was fun while it lasted.  
DIRK: On second thought, no it wasn’t. It wasn’t at all.  
JUNE: where are you going dirk?  
DIRK: I'm flying to the sun so I can burn to death. This place doesn't deserve a decapitation. I'm out.  
JUNE: goodbye dirk!  
JUNE: man i sure do feel horny after thinking about his dead body, do you guys want to have an orgy?

They proceed to have the best orgy in Paradox Space. Homestuck^2 ends here, everyone (except Dirk, his corpse burning aflame) is happy. The end.


End file.
